Your presence, your beautiful soul, your laugh, smile, and the way you used to call my name, it all still haunts me, brings me to my knees, gasping for breath, shaking with grief. It’s all still fresh in my mind taking over this wounded heart of my mine. To say that I miss you wouldn’t be enough. To say that I had lost control of my life when you left isn’t enough. When you went away, when you disappeared, you took whatever right and reason there is in this world. You took anything that made sense, safe, comfortable. You took it all and I was left a hollow mess. I was bloody and broken, missing chunks of my heart.
I wandered city streets, dark forests, and loved with many strange faces. But still, I’m left without a feeling in these weary bones, still searching for something I can never seem to find. I do whatever it is that I can to keep busy, to not have to think, to feel, to not have your face appear in the front of my mind. All of a sudden, I’m not the same person I was before. I don’t fit my life anymore. I’ve been broken down and put back together so many times I am like Frankenstein’s monster. I’m a hideous freak show sewn together by fragmented pieces. But I know that you, this golden light, would see past whatever this cruel world has done to me and love me no differently. You loved me for the chaos I was and treated me like I wasn’t so damaged.
I feel cheated, wronged by this fucked up place we all call the world . What on fucking earth is the point in all of this if we’re just going to end up dead, with no reason or excuse, just that life is cruel bitch? How the hell can a screw up like me continue to walk this earth when beautiful people like you never last? I continue to drink, so that I can numb the words the universe is screaming at me. I turn my back on my responsibilities that life has left me with, I run away from the warm safety and security of home, and throw myself into the broken needles and glass, the urine stenched rundown streets I usually roam. I’m a grade-A fuck up, never going to take things seriously, always leaving people and setting fire to my insides and my world around me, just for the pure fun of it, because I’m self destructive.
I wish you were still here, so you can tell me it’ll be all right. I wish you were here to say my name, to laugh at the dumb things I say. I want you here so you can lay your hand my cheek and tell me to rest easy, and tomorrow will be another day. I miss your smile, the way you used to skip down the hallway because something amazing had happened to you, or you were just happy and content with life at the moment. I miss the way you used to stare out in the distance on that cold winter day and watched the sunset, not saying a word, just taking in the moment. I want you here so you can see that I’m no longer that sad, quiet boy that had the shit kicked out of him. I want you to know that I’m no longer sitting on the sidelines thinking sad thoughts, and wishing I was someone else. I want you here so you can see that I’ve changed. I’ve grown into my own person and that I may stumble and fall in this world but I keep getting back up. I want you here beside me to see that I no longer let someone else control my life, that I’m no longer haunted by my demons, that the abusive people in my life are long gone. I found the crazy, wild ones that think and act and talk just like me. I found the dreamers that keep rolling underneath the everlasting night sky. I’m no longer alone.
But, I am. I am alone because you aren’t here with me. The stupid dreams we talked about never came true. They faded in the background like an old photograph. We left them behind, we let ourselves drift apart. Now, my heart is all ripped and torn because I forgot about you. I left you behind with everyone else. You didn’t deserve that, we were supposed to find a happier life, and I let myself become selfish and uncaring. I didn’t bother to think of anyone else but what I wanted and needed. For that, I call myself a selfish fuck. A deadbeat. A drunk. A lowlife loser that will never amount to anything. I let myself go this past year, because the thought of you leaving this world forever sent me into a manic craze where nothing was safe and comfortable, where I wasn’t allowed to be happy.
But, it has taken a whole year for me to wake the fuck up from that drunken haze I put myself in, and I realized how alone I really am, how I isolated myself from so many different opportunities in life because I just couldn’t be bothered to. I realized how this is a slap in the face to who you are, your memory, your beautiful soul. I realized that I need to be better, love more, and laugh at the horrible things in life. I can’t let myself be so broken and confused anymore because that’s not what you would have wanted for me. I let you down, I let the dreams we once had down. I burned everything to ground and it’s just me in the wreckage. I want to try to be better, to pull myself together and not disrespect your memory. I’m going to try to gather the broken pieces of my life together and make something beautiful out of it. I need to do it, not just because you had died and left me, but because so many others in my life had passed on and were far too young to go. This is going to be for you, this what I can do to make up for all the mistakes and blunders I’ve made. I’m going to make it right. I promise you this.