Leaving, I am leaving. I’m gone.
The rush, the feeling, the glance back in a rear view mirror and all that I know is behind me with all that could be ahead. The simple act of moving on, of disappearing, an art form of which I have well practiced. Nothing ever stays the same, so when the thing you once loved becomes estranged and foreign, there is nothing to do but pack your bags and find something new again.
I have never been the kind of person to stay in one place for too long, the need to find more than what I have in front of me. There is great mystery in the world that I know not of and have a craving, an ache to discover it all. The sprawling city is a place that I do love and has been a great place to call home for a while. But, after a while, the same old doldrums started to become my vices. I find myself engulfed into late nights, no sleep, blood pumping, heart beating sporadically, and not a clue as to how I got where I am. Memories started to escape, reflections changed, walking away from who I used to be. I’ll admit, I wasn’t someone I quite admired. Shame-filled mornings, pounding headaches, and an empty hole in my chest was the regular wake up call.
Strange things happen and the late-nights called strangled creatures to me and my insides were changing. Time after time, I started to suffocate with all the world around me and felt the suffering of not belonging to a place I once loved. There wasn’t anything I could’ve said or done to change anything. The universe was screaming at me in the lonely orange glow from the city lights. It all blurred around me and I knew I couldn’t be where I was anymore. The unforgiving whispers of winter were fading away and the heat of the sun intensified this fire inside. One quick hand turn and the motions of carrying on took forth. The open road was calling to me and the discovery of finding something new was at my grasps.
The feeling of leaving it all behind was like the breath of life and I felt at peace with my surroundings. Watching small towns and mountains and rivers off to the side fall back, talking to strangers in brief moments, and finding quiet places. The act of leaving creates fear and uncertainty but the world was shining bright again. I knew that disappearing was the right action. The haunting notion that if I stayed where I was it would have been all over for me. The realization that if I kept the way I was going, I wouldn’t have survived. And that’s what this whole, crazy, mixed up life has been about: surviving. And this is what I do best.
Sleeping in parking lots, a small town baseball field, and never seeing the light fade. I knew I was on the right path, the strangeness of it all, the struggle to keep going, knowing the horizon was still there waiting. I’m not sure if I’ll ever stay in one spot long enough. Will there come a time when this ache in my chest for the chasing the unknown fade away? People tell me it will. Sometime in the not too distant future, I will have to settle down and get on with the real world and be a proper citizen. I don’t agree though. With all that I’ve seen and done, there is no way to predict the outcome of it all. Never knowing or with a care in the world, I just keep walking, praying to the skies above it all works out. Without ever standing still, I’m constantly falling and stumbling. This open road ahead of me takes me in and gives me the relief, the settling of the ache deep inside my chest. The mighty land with all that could be gives me all that I need.