If I Go

There is an ache inside of me that tells me to go. That’s all there is, the simple act to move. It’s not about how tired you are or if it’s a good decision or a bad one. Just go. Move with urgency and not with haste. That is the life of a hopeless wanderer.

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The road is long and wearisome, but you have to discover “it”. Getting to the very core of your being. Find out what’s inside of you; through the bloodstream, the ache in your feet, the rumble of your stomach and your parched mouth. The great affair in life is to move, to explore and find that moment in life where it all seems to fall in place. You know what I’m talking about. You disregard the horribleness that people call “itinerary plans”, the things people call “a set schedule”.

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It’s not about how many places you’ve seen, the pictures you take or if it will be a story you can tell. It’s just about being there, that moment when you see how big and blue the world can be and how maybe we’re all not so different than we think. Maybe we’re all just doing what we can to survive, are most primal instinct. You put yourself through suffering and pain, the great sacrifice to get where you need to go.

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I’ve never been good at making plans, ask anyone who knows me. My life has been nothing but scattered and confused. But, I still go. Even if it seems wrong. Even if I’m not ready. Even if it scares the crap out of me. I still go, the act of one fast move. With a wild manner deep inside, I take off without a care in the world, to jump and have faith later.

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Within the past couple weeks of sleeping in a cramped car, eating horrible somethings from fast food joints and god awful gas stations, I ended up where I needed to go. You never realize where you’re supposed to be until you get there. Like a slap in the face from the universe, the whole world hits you at once when you finally realize where you are.

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All of life’s worries and troublesome woes disappear when you see the raw earth surrounding you. It doesn’t matter where you are, what you are doing. You are there. Beautiful, candescent moments while watching the sunset and city lights come to life. The sunrise over the east along the coastline, the blood red lunar eclipse and the starry heavens above. It’s all about rummaging through an abandoned island with a lonely lighthouse and the surreal dislocation from driving through a faded town at 2 in the morning with secrets being shared.

 

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Those moments, you can still see it all too clearly, time not a factor, way down the road. All you have to do is close your eyes, breathe slowly, listen to the hollow drum of your heart and you are there.

 

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I remember it all with bittersweet taste that lingers longer than it should. You’ll never forget the moments where you needed to be. It’ll take more than a lifetime, somewhere beyond forever for you to forget.

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Without a single thought or care, I still go.

-T

 

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