When I look back on it all,
everything that happened, how it all began,
the winding paths I’ve lead myself down, none of it makes sense.
It was all an accident. No intention of anything to occur the way it had.
But it did, and it was always meant to be just as wild as it is.
That’s how I view my life and all the madness that has consumed me and all that is around me. No one ever really believes me when I tell them this. They say it was because I’m some special individual snowflake, or a diamond in the rough, or some other god-awful analogy. Maybe I just don’t believe in myself as a normal person should, or rather I don’t think of myself as most normal people do. Instead, I’m constantly wondering about others and all the shrouding mystery of lives to be lived out in the untamed world.
And I think that’s sort of where it all began for me. Growing up in the mountains, surrounded by nature and isolation, I dreamed of adventures to be had and to leave the mundane behind. That’s sort of what made me feel better, to keep the cold lull of depression from plaguing my heart due to the life I lived on the Reservation. I had to constantly fight for another day, holding on to the small, insufferable hope that I could make it out alive from the oppression of the life of a native on the reserve.
Taking this moment to see it all for what it really was, I have to believe that the universe had been on my side this whole time. It was when I had noticed a particular sunset on a cold winters day when I was just 17 years old that just seemed to send a frenzy of emotion through me that caused a beautiful melancholy to contrast with my frigid, dead insides that were too numb for much else. It was then I knew I was still alive and could fight for more than what was given to me. I knew that I could fight for more than just a night.
After such events, I decided to speak up about the horrors of my life and sought help. I knew that I was ever too foolish to believe that I could be strong enough to battle these haunting ghosts that loom over me in a sea of grey all on my own. I knew that I couldn’t make it as far as I wanted to without any kind of direction. So I asked, I pleaded into open arms for someone to give me answers as to what I needed. And it was the most profound decision that I could have ever made. I had let people into my cavernous, lonely life and they guided me to safe places that let me rest what was once a weary soul.
What came next can only be described as a series of whirlwind events that no one could have ever saw coming. It was like my insides had turned to gasoline and the air I breathed were sparks of flames that set what I thought to be empty into a fiery inferno of passion that guided me forward. From there, I knew I needed to follow the untraveled paths I’ve always been to scared to walk. I spent the past five years taking the tumultuous steps that reckoned my skin and bones and all that I thought I was into dust in the wind. I began to see that the world wasn’t so black & white as I was lead to believe, that people weren’t so black & white.
There’s too much to be able to explain all that has happened to me in the past few years, once leaving behind all that had held me down. I discovered I needed to be more honest about who I am and the troubles I go through. I discovered that change for the better can still be uncomfortable and difficult. I learned to never judge a person on who they are and their background. Because, even so, a persons story and their character never really have to be in line with each other. We all get a little messy. We all make mistakes and walk with regret. But, the most important thing is to never let it become who you really are.
People have always had opinions and thoughts about my life and how I choose to live it. They tell me where I’m going wrong, how that if I want to live comfortably in the future I got to sacrifice what I have and work my ass off at a terrible job to make lots of money so I can relax when I’m old and grey. It goes without saying that I don’t really agree with what they have to say. Having spent the past five years being broke off my ass, living out of my backpack, sacrificing all that I could just to continue to put one foot in front of the other, I know I’ve made the right decision.
I’ve put my faith in the choices that scared the hell out of me. I’ve taken all that I held on to believe and all my cautions and threw it fully behind me.. Having spent most of my life being a shy, quiet introvert, I looked to the sky and let the wind blow me where it will. I’ve gone through volunteer programs, remote lodges, resort towns and being a city wrecker. I’ve met tons of people I never even thought could exist, boundaries have been tested and lines have been pushed. I let myself fall apart and put all the pieces back together again and again.
I’ve had more than a few people tell me how jealous they are my life, the traveling around I’ve done and the things I get to see. They always ask how I do I do it? And of how lucky I am and wish they had the freedom to do the same. More often then sometimes, I roll my eyes and tell them stop bullshitting me. We all like to make up excuses as to why we can’t live the life we want and how most people will never admit how brainwashed they’ve become by mainstream society to buy meaningless objects that fill up their life and weigh them down.
The reason why I am living this life is that I have chosen it. I decided to not let someone else’s views and opinions shape my life. I’ve decided to stop for a minute and ask “what if I’m wrong?”. I’ll always wonder if there can be more, if things could be better. I’m always searching for that perfect sunset, that beautiful song, and that ever so sweet smile on a pretty face. To me, chasing the unknown will always be the greatest adventure.
And maybe this is just for now. That, one day soon, I’ll leave behind the wild youth and the turmoil of wanderlust and would finally have a chance for settling down. But, then again, what if I don’t? What if I should spend the rest of my days uncertain and lost and stuck staring at the starry heavens above?
With the hollow drum of my heart, I will tell the truth in that I wouldn’t trade this life for anything else in this whole world. Horror’s and all, this is the life I choose.