I don’t believe in the pursuit of happiness.
I don’t believe in the people that say
they have chosen happiness in their life.
For it is not happiness they have chosen, it is delusion.
I fell sick to mental illness 10 years ago. It was then that I saw the world around me and the pain and suffering of the people I cared for most. I couldn’t control it, the darkness was like that bone-seeping chill that rattles the body on a frigid, winters day.
It was constant.
The relentless reality in this world is that people are conditioned, altered, brain-washed to think that happiness is a cure or an end result. People lose sight at the fact that happiness is more so a cause or a catalyst. It’s a fleeting emotion, just like any other. People have been telling me my whole life that I should be more happy, that feeling ethereal emotions that bring moments of melancholy is stopping me from living my life. People tell me that if I’m not happy, then there is something wrong with me. These are the kind of people I disconnect with.
You see, I didn’t grow up in the most perfect household. We didn’t have a whole lot of money, we didn’t own nice things, and our relationships with each other weren’t the best. But, that doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other. Every family struggles with such things. Hardly anybody grows up with a perfect family. Except, I was still taught to believe in doing the right thing, rather than what was convenient. I learned that money can’t buy you much, but that honesty was the true currency in a corrupt world. I had found out that hate is not the opposite of love, but that indifference is.
With everything that I’ve been through, the life lessons I’ve learned, a lot of them I had found out the hard way. I am not a well put together human being. I make mistakes, too many times than I care to admit. I get spiteful, envious, I feel rage and can spit words of hate and bitterness that breakdown all that is around me. I keep quiet a lot, because I don’t trust the things I say or the possibilities of what could be said.
I can feel my hands are that of flame that burn everything I touch. I don’t mean to. But, sometimes I do. I’ve hurt others and myself. I’ve stomped on dreams, kicked dirt and dropped blood. I’ve made perfect little somethings into wreckage’s that float along a dark sea so that nothing can be salvaged. I look in the mirror and I wonder what kind of man I am. I wonder about the demons that I can see behind my weary eyes. I’ve been through the possible things that can make a good man turn bad. The life I’ve lived has tasted bitter for years now.
And this is what gets people. They believe that I have to turn things around, they believe my life needs saving. But, what they don’t understand, what they can’t see is the vibrancy of everything in my life. They don’t understand that the darkness is good. They don’t comprehend the fact that a life without getting hurt is not a life worth living at all. I’ve stepped over the deep end and found myself in the unknown, a place with reckoning skies and gentle winds with brilliant sun rays. It’s a place you won’t find yourself if you bury yourself away in meaningless objects and vapid materials. It’s a place most of the world is taught to fear as it has no security what so ever. It’s a place with the wild.
So, when it comes to happiness, it’s the last thing I chase on my list. I’d rather pursue passion or curiosity, urgency, clarity, exuberance, courage. There are much better things to focus on than just happiness. This world is raw and tremendously malicious and jubilant in all aspects you can imagine. What’s to realize is that pain is inevitable in a crazy journey such as life. But, it’s up to you on whether you will suffer from it or transcend into glory.
In the most honest words I can describe about my life is that I am alive. I used to feel so numb inside from the horribleness that is life on the Reservation. I used to carry that hurt with me wherever I went, an anchor that weighed me down and prevented me from reaching the starry heavens above. I used to hate myself because I wasn’t happy like the other shiny people of the world. I used to think there was something wrong with me because reality kicked me right in the teeth. I would stay up late and wonder why I wasn’t happy. It was in my head that there was a glitch in my brain, that the functions of a normal human being, I’ve been without. It’s taken me this long, my whole life, to stand deep in a wildfire of the heart in the universe to see that while happiness can lead to good things, it is not the end all be all that society tries to make it out to be.
I’ve come to accept the frenzy of emotions that bulldoze through me like a rolling stone. I’ve realized I need to accept the feelings that run like the river into the sea of life. I needed to stop fighting and let wildness play it’s tender tune. This is what lead me to the right people, the right places, that perfect moment where life is vaulting over you and vulnerability sets in and you can feel the blood coursing though your very being. You feel alive. I am alive. This whole world is teeming with wonder and possibilities in a blooming universe. This is something we must not forget.
After some time, I have discovered to let what happens happen. I’ve accepted that all that will come will become all that you are. I can’t predict how something will turn out, I can’t know the possibilities of life. I just know that I have to let it be. I have to stop looking back as if something will change. Whats done is done.
So, for me, it wasn’t so much as choosing happiness, but accepting it. For me, happiness doesn’t come from money, social standards or doing what’s being told by the status quo. You don’t have to have a wife, kids, a big house and a white picket fence. It’s about the people that know what you say, see how you feel. It’s about being in the place you can be brutally honest and unmerciful. Just be as you are.
The key to life is not happiness. It’s to acknowledge the fact that you will go through horrible things in your life and you will feel dreadful emotions and it will tear at the flesh of all that you are.
Horrible things do happen, but you have to realize that it cannot kill you – that in the dead of winter, you will make it to the other side and feel warm winds and the bright sun play coyfully across your body and soul.
What you have to realize is that inside of you, there is an everlasting summer.
As such, reaching the age of 24, after all the madness I did go through, what I’ve come to realize is that having a perfect life and a happy life are never quite the same thing.